The Fayetteville Cougars team was cheered on by two skimpily-dressed staff from the North Shiloh Drive Hooters location during their home game against the South Rogers Panthers last weekend.

Although a few mothers initially scoffed when told about the sponsorship, many opposing coaches, players, league officials and aging bystanders congratulated the team for the deal, particularly with regard to their sharp new orange uniforms and the new additions to their cheering section.

“The message these boys are getting — and bear in mind we’re talking 12-year-old boys — is that as a ball player you have an entitlement to large-breasted women in skimpy outfits bouncing around at your games,” one father said.  “And ain’t that the truth.”

Restaurant owner Billy Jim Earndale defended the sponsorship deal, the specific terms of which are unknown.

“Our waitresses represent the all-American cheerleader,” he told local media. “We are all about sports and competition. We had a great opportunity here to show Arkansas what we are really about.”

While some local women have complained about the presence of Hooters waitresses at youth sporting events, the Fayetteville coaching staff was quick to point out that the Cougars had beaten the Panthers 15-3 in the first game with Hooters staff present.  “Them boys had somethin’ to play for,” a coach said.  “And them other boys was just a-starin’, couldn’t hardly move out there.”

In response to the Fayetteville sponsorship deal, the defending district champion North Little Rock Blazers are rumored to be in talks with the Golden Vixen Gentlemen’s Club off Route 65.

• Oakland Athletics pitcher Gio Gonzalez almost threw a perfect game against the Toronto Blue Jays.  It would have been only the 19^th perfect game in Major League history, and the first since Mark Buehrle accomplished the feat July 23 of last year.  Gonzalez retired the first nine Toronto batters to establish his perfect game through three innings.  The perfect game was broken up by Toronto center fielder Fred Lewis, who reached on an infield single in the bottom of the 4^th.  Gonzalez went on to give up 2 runs and 3 hits in 6 2/3 innings pitched, earning him the win in a 4-3 Oakland victory.
• Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo almost tallied an unheralded quadruple-double in Boston’s 101-93 loss to Cleveland.  Rondo, a consistent triple-double threat who scored 27 points and added 12 assists in the game, came up just 4 rebounds and 10 steals short of the heavily sought-after quadruple-double.
• Vancouver Canucks defender Christian Ehrhoff almost earned a hat trick, which is very rare for defensive players.  Ehrhoff, who scored only 14 goals the entire regular season, scored just 13 minutes and 51 seconds into the game, which was Game 1 of Vancouver’s playoff series against the Chicago Blackhawks.  However, Ehrhoff failed to score the rest of the game, falling 2 goals short of the hat trick.  Vancouver won the game, 5-1.
• Rory McIlroy challenged the PGA TOUR’s longstanding 18-hole scoring record of 59 in the third round of the Quail Hollow Championship.  3 players have carded a score of 59 in a TOUR event, but no player has ever shot 58 or lower.  McIlroy, the eventual winner of the event, had a chance to do just that as he stood on the 16^th tee, 6-under par through his first 15 holes.  He needed only to ace the final 3 holes to shoot a 14-under par 58 and break the record.  However, he finished disappointingly with par-birdie-bogey, and had to settle for a 6-under par 66.  On Sunday he went on to card a course-record 62 and earn a $1.2 million payday.
• Washington Nationals third-baseman Ryan Zimmerman almost hit for the cycle.  After singling in the 4^th inning and hitting a double in the 9^th, he needed only a triple and a home run for the elusive cycle.  However, the game did not go extra innings to provide him the opportunity.  Zimmerman did not bat again in the Nationals’ 7-1 loss to the Florida Marlins.
• The Kentucky Derby almost saw the biggest trifecta payout in the event’s illustrious history.  The record for the largest trifecta payout in history, set in the 2005 Kentucky Derby, was $133,134.80 on a $2 bet.  This record could have been broken Saturday had Make Music for Me won, Discreetly Mine finished second, and Homeboykris finished third.  For a few lengths this looked possible, as all three horses were within the first 15 during the first turn.  However, all three horses eventually faltered and history was denied again.  Make Music for Me finished fourth, Discreetly Mine 13^th, and Homeboykris 16^th.  Also, the odds changed slightly in the final hours, meaning that the desired outcome wouldn’t have ended up ensuring the highest trifecta payout in Derby history anyway.

So as you can see, what turned out to be a mediocre sports Saturday was nearly one of the most magical days in sports history.  As far as anyone knows this would have been the first time that a perfect game, quadruple-double, defensive hat trick, 18-hole PGA TOUR scoring record, cycle and record-breaking Kentucky Derby trifecta payout had ever happened on the same day.  Saturday, May 1, 2010, you trite bitch, you coulda been something.

Once signed in to Facebook, users expelling fluid can view modules displaying their friends’ likes and comments about that fluid. For example, a user that sneezes on their computer will see which friends like mucus and snot — without having to return to Facebook.

Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg called the new platform, Open Mouth, “the most transformative thing we’ve ever done for the web.”

When properly calibrated, new plugins will receive one user’s bodily fluids and transfer them to displaced friends that “like” that particular fluid.  While logged into Facebook one friend will be able to spit into a receptacle attached to their computer and, moments later, another friend that likes saliva will be hit in the face with the spit as it is projected from their computer’s dispenser.

“This is a really significant step for Facebook,” Zuckerberg said. “For the first time, the likes and interests of my profile link to other people in a physical way.  And I can spit on those Google freaks.”

Open Mouth’s plugins also will make it easier for various bodily orifices to embed Facebook’s “like” feature, which allows users to give a thumbs up to a mouth, nose or other bit of anatomical content. Open Mouth will spread the “like” button around your body, aggregating data about users’ preferences outside Facebook.

Zuckerberg predicted that within the next 24 hours, Facebook will prompt more than a billion “like” buttons across human bodies.

Facebook is launching Open Mouth with more than 30 content partners, including The New York Times, the Internet Movie Database, Showtime, ESPN.com and CNN.com.  Expected advances in the platform will allow the partners to display advertising content on users’ bodies.

Zuckerberg said that today’s consumers demand a more social experience when surfing the internet.

“The web is at a really important turning point right now,” he said. “We’re building toward a web where the default is social and physical.  In a couple years users won’t even need to meet each other in person to exchange bodily fluids.”

Zuckerberg made his remarks during a keynote opening f8, Facebook’s annual conference for its developers in San Francisco, California.

• Some 800 Icelandic villagers had to evacuate their homes.  Most were forced into government housing in the urban Detroit ghetto, although a few strays are staying in European hostels, sitting on the top bunk in their underwear blasting Mugison and dropping Sun Chip crumbs on anyone that dare venture below.
• Icelandic tourism has all but shut down.  Beach resorts and luxury cruise liners are offering temporary reimbursements for all trips scheduled in April.  It is estimated that the Icelandic tourism industry will take a hit in excess of 40 euro.
• Bjork has gone away.  Just kidding.
• The ash cloud has drifted outward into other countries.  Scotland has become dark and dreary with a thick murky cloud enveloping the land.  No Scottish residents have noticed.  Alcohol sales are steady.
• Many airline flights throughout Europe have been cancelled in the last week.  A number of European distance runners hoping to compete in the Boston Marathon were kept home.  This allowed a Kenyan to win for a change while all the Polish, Norwegian and Slovakian favorites were stuck bristling in disgust an ocean away.
• Space travel to and from Earth has been delayed.   Although many cosmonauts have been stuck in a tireless pattern of extended orbit, the Scientist estimates that chances of an alien attack in April 2010 are down 12% from April 2009.
• When told of the situation a tongue-tied Willie Nelson looked very uncomfortable, then sublimely shocked, and then he started laughing uncontrollably.
• Powerful electrical storms have been witnessed in the vicinity of the eruption.  Such “dirty thunderstorms” caused by volcanic plume are extremely rare.  The Ohio DeLorean Club is planning a field trip in hopes of attempting the largest simultaneous group time travel in history.
• A lot of people are stuck at the airport.
• Upon hearing of the monstrous European ash cloud, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger had the following reaction:  “So you can’t see shit over there?  Really?  Hard to tell what’s goin’ on?  They got bars over there?  Yeah?  They got dumb college girls?  Ya don’t say?  Think I can jump my motorcycle over the Pacific?”

“Nicky really feels like this is a good time to test the waters,” his mother said.  “He thinks he’s ready to make the jump, but wants to see where he stands.”

This news comes in the wake of Kansas State’s season-ending Elite Eight loss to Butler on Saturday.  The Wildcats lost that game 63-56.  Butler will play in the Final Four in Indianapolis on Saturday.

Kansas State coach Frank Martin was not available to comment on Russell’s potential defection.  Sources indicate that Martin is currently busy denying rumors that he may leave Manhattan for coaching vacancies at Boston College, DePaul, Hilldale Christian Academy, the NBA, and overseas.

UPDATE (5:12 P.M.): Nick Russell is denying reports that he has declared for the Draft.  “I might go but I ain’t said nothin yet,” his Facebook status read.  “Mama don’t even know shhh right now.”

UPDATE (5:43 P.M.): “Nick will be working out in NBA camps for the next two months,” his mother, Cindy Russell, indicated in a response on her son’s Facebook wall.

UPDATE (6:35 P.M.):  Sources close to Kansas State guard Nick Russell have stated that, while he may not enter the NBA Draft, he is looking to leave Kansas State.  Potential destinations include UTEP, Kansas, Greece, Florida, N.C. State, junior college and the NBA.

UPDATE (7:01 P.M.):  Kansas State guard Nick Russell plans to remain on the mens’ basketball team at Kansas State next season, according to an equipment manager that asked to remain anonymous.

UPDATE (7:38 P.M.):  Kansas State guard Nick Russell will not be back with the Wildcats next season, according to ex-girlfriend Shauna Rice.  “Dude has to be flunking out this year,” she said in a statement earlier this evening.

UPDATE (8:14 P.M.):  Kansas State freshman guard Nick Russell is on hand at tonight’s McDonald’s high school All-American game in Columbus, Ohio.  Russell is expected to play for the West team in the second half of the game, and is listing his college of choice as “Undecided.”

UPDATE (8:58 P.M.):  Kansas State guard Nick Russell has officially declared for the NBA Draft and named World Wide Wes as his agent.  The hiring of an agent disqualifies Russell from returning to college next season.

UPDATE (9:06 P.M.):  Prominent athletic agent World Wide Wes has denied being hired by outgoing Kansas State freshman Nick Russell, who declared for the NBA Draft this evening.  When asked about Russell’s status, Wes replied, “Who?”

UPDATE (9:23 P.M.):  Kansas State guard Nick Russell has denied hiring an agent, according to a recent Twitter post.  8 minutes ago Russell tweeted:  “lol lots of talk haha.  no agent yet prolly comin back holla k-state luv ya!”

UPDATE (9:44 P.M.):  Kansas State wingman Nick Russell has officially declared for the NBA Draft and named superagent Ari Gold as his agent, according to NBA commissioner David Stern.  Scouts for the Los Angeles Clippers project Russell to be a “late lottery to mid-first round pick.”

I hope that any of you gamblers out there are having better luck than I am so far. And if you are, would you mind spotting me a few bones? I feel a hot one coming on…

On an unrelated side note, hypothetically speaking, if you ever decide to spend a few weeks travelling city-to-city attending a different high-profile college basketball game each night, DO NOT start throwing heavy timber on every game you attend in person just so you always have a rooting interest.  I guess the lesson is, if you try to double your pleasure while in the middle of a fun, high-stakes romp, it’s probably just going to end up costing you an absurd amount of cash.  This is a lesson we all should have learned from the exploits of the world’s highest-paid golfer and the world’s highest-paid golf announcer.

Also, enough with all the Boner jokes, let’s just find the guy.

• U.S. Curling has been maybe the biggest disappointment so far.  The mens’ team just can’t seem to put anyone away.  But at least they still seem to be having fun.  They’re now running around out there openly betting with each other during the matches, giving each other shit for messing up, talking loudly, and in general acting like the crazy guys in the bar that refuse to leave or pull themselves together even though they’ve lost all their money and their girlfriends left with some British blokes.
• U.S. Skiing has been every bit the runaway success and then some, however.  Lindsey Vonn and Bode Miller have not disappointed, and Julia Mancuso is establishing herself as a brand.  Gotta love her attitude.  And if you don’t… well, just don’t that’s all.  Ain’t nothin gonna stop this party.
• I think they should change the name of the “Original Dance” ice dancing competition to “Gypsies on Ice.”  And that is the most ringing endorsement anyone could give.  Awesome stuff.
• With Bob Costas running low on juice and Al Michaels being casually detained in a “slacksimum security” Canadian “prison” (which is exactly like the waiting room at a dentist’s office) for assaulting Dick Buttons, NBC is being forced to fly in reinforcements.  Every other commentator on payroll for other sports is going to be pushed into service.  Tiki Barber and Tony Dungy will break down speed skating film while Johnny Miller will question the killer instincts of the bobsledders and Marv Albert will be offered a temporary contract from his former employer to weasel his way into the world of women’s snowboarding.  “I like the masks and outfits and boards and hangtime and pipes and whips.  Yes!”  Unless, of course, Jay Leno wants to announce any of these things, in which case the original announcers will be fired.
• The single scariest person on hand at each and every Winter Olympic event is the German coach.

If you’re like me (a washed-out recluse with a closet full of skeletons (as well as trunks overflowing with gold bullion, rare coins, emeralds, rubies, pearls, sugar cane, tobacco and spices)), you just can’t get enough of watching the Olympics.  But if you haven’t had enough time to get your 14-hour-a-day fix of the 2010 Winter Games, I’ve prepared the following guide to the major American players that have been causing a stir in Vancouver so far:

• Lindsey Vonn (Alpine Skiing): Dominant skier.  Aggressive competitor.  Intense trainer.  Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue starlet.  Her battle against a shin injury has generated such a media frenzy the last few days that Tiger Woods had to plan a public statement just to get his spot on ESPN’s BottomLine back.  Then she overcame all obstacles to run away with the Alpine Downhill and bring home gold yesterday.  Then she cried.  A lot.  And some more while inappropriately mic’d up with her husband.  Honestly I don’t get why she’s causing all this hoopla.  Sure she’s an amazing athlete, but the surprise silver medal winner is a hot Reno mob-daughter guidette that has her own lingerie line and wears a tiara and Air Force Ones!  And you hear nothing about her!  Lotta holes in the desert…  Where’s the love America?

• Apolo Anton Ohno (Short Track Speed Skating): Oh yes!  At age 61, the charismatic speed skater continues to capture the hearts and minds of anyone that enjoys watching people ice-skate really low and really, really fast.  He’s still kicking ice in this his 13^th Winter Olympics.

• Shaun White (Snowboard): This guy is a real Renaissance man.  He is a poster child for an emerging sport that changes leaps and bounds year-by-year, and somehow he’s always able to remain one step ahead of everyone else, reinventing the game over and over.  A few years back his sport was unknown, and now he’s a Franchise.  And somehow he still finds time to do outrageous prop comedy at night!

• Jack Johnson (Ice Hockey): I know, I get distracted every time they call his name during the hockey games.  But this one’s a defenseman from the L.A. Kings.  Twenty degrees and the hockey game’s on, nobody cares they are way too far gone, screamin’ “boat drinks,” something to keep ‘em all warm.  Olympic hockey drinking games are man’s gift to winter.

• Sara Studebaker (Biathlon): OK, so the U.S. doesn’t exactly have a strong presence internationally in the women’s biathlon.  But this lady skis around with a rifle on her back and is a deadeye shot.  My guess is that 45^th-best in the world at that is plenty good enough to defend the front lawn of the TAG fortress on these snowy winter nights when enemies lurk in the darkness.

• U.S. Curling Team (John Shuster, Jason Smith, Jeff Isaacson & John Benton): You know these guys.  They’re all from Minnesota.  They’re back in the corner of the bar somewhere, waiting.  They stay in the same bar, drinking, for 12 hours straight, without showing any outward signs of intoxication.  They seem really nice and fun-loving, and they challenge you to a game of darts.  And then they destroy you.  Just lucky, they chuckle.  They are the most polite, pleasant and unthreatening characters you will ever meet.  Even as they proceed to humiliate you at billiards, air hockey, ping pong, shuffleboard, cornhole, washers, flip cup, horseshoes, Pacman, Beirut, erotic Photohunt, bowling, and any other semi-competitive indoor white guy activity that only requires good eye-hand coordination and more practice than any socially competent member of human civilization can ever imagine.  Then one day you see them on TV in the Olympics, with brooms, getting their asses handed to them by the German extras from the movie Beerfest.

• Bob Costas (Desk Jockey): No one overhypes the overhyped quite like Bob.  With the help of NBC’s genius producers he’s somehow able to bring you all the Olympic action in the most annoying manner possible.  If anything of interest happens during the day, they won’t let you watch it live.  You’ll have to wait until primetime when Bob can build up to it for hours and then sneakily cram it in between figure skating routines.  Of course, by then you’ll have already seen the results on SportsCenter.  But who wants to see important things live in this day and age?  Remember:  these aren’t sports; they’re storylines.

• Cris Collinsworth (Receiver): Seriously, what is this dweeb doing there?!  His very presence there is embarrassing our country.  The same NBC geniuses that hand-picked him for Sunday Night Football now think he’s ready to tackle a dozen random winter sports?  Does he know anything about any of them?  Does he know anything about football?  Who likes this guy???  Shouldn’t he be spending these late winter months in the Ft. Thomas Highlands cafeteria, with an old hair net over that glorious mane, shoveling cold government-issue green beans onto the trays of 14-year-olds that are on steroids?

• Michael Phelps: oops, wrong halfpipe

But right Vancouver!

There you have it, folks.  Just keep in mind while watching all the phenomenal U.S. Olympic winter athletes that about 70% of them were actually born in Canada.  Keep sending down anyone up there with any ambition, North America’s Combover!

No, in all seriousness, the Canucks are pretty good at a lot of this stuff and they are nothing if not good hosts.  So… yeah.  Hey, if anyone happens to see Eli, tell him that if he doesn’t come home soon I’m having people over.  I mean, he’s just AWOL at this point.  If anyone wants to come over, you know, we can pretty much just trash the place.  Maybe even break some stuff?  Well, offer’s on the table…

Hour 1:  Oh boy, it’s starting to snow outside.  Yippee!  I can’t wait to see everything all white and pretty out there.  I hope we get a lot of snow, I could really use the excuse to stay in and be lazy.  I’ve got enough rations to last me 2 or 3 days, and could really use the time to myself.

Hour 3:  Watching a great movie called Pride and Glory. Sometimes I wish Colin Farrell had really never made it out of Bruges, but it’s always good to see Ed Norton get in a fight.  Go get ‘em, old paunchy drunken Jon Voight!

Hour 6:  Finally catching up on some e-mail.  Sounded like a good idea at first, but you people have really sent me some crap.

Hour 8:  Reviewing the Academy Award nominations for the fourth or fifth time.  Future post forthcoming.  If I feel like it.

Hour 9:  Watching the snow fall through the window.  Very peaceful.

Hour 10:  Tweeting.

Hour 11:  Tweeting .

Hour 14:  Checking out the trailer for Tooth Fairy on YouTube, over and over.  If I ever get out of here, I can’t wait to see the whole film.

Hour 18:  Just got a text from Adams.  Bastard is acting like he’s having more fun than me.  As if.

Hour 21:  Have you ever noticed that Showtime, Encore and Starz essentially play the same movies?  Sometimes there’s crossover.  Trippy.

Hour 23:  If you look at Drew Brees enough that thing on his face actually becomes charming.

Hour 26:  Dem Saints got me listening to jazz and dreaming of NOLA.  Has it been so long?

Hour 31:  Watching Pride and Glory again.

Hour 34:  “I’m Don ‘The Goods’ Ready. Everyone here told you their story, here’s mine… I have hair on my balls and I sell cars. The end.”  Classic, Piven.  When’s the next season of “Entourage” start?

Hour 39:  Just discovered something called SnookTV.  Amazing!  Don’t know how I ever lived without it!  Check it on YouTube.  OMG, Snooki, I love you SO MUCH, you have no idea.

Hour 43:  Sometimes I envy bears their ability to hibernate.

Hour 44:  Summer?  Where are you summer?

Hour 46:  I look outside and all I see is snow, snow, snow.  No way I’m going out there.  The horror.  FML.

Hour 48:  I miss the sea.

Hour 51:  A sofa burn has formed in the shape of the state of New Hampshire.

Hour 53:  Hope is fleeting.  Despair sets in.  I fear I may die here.

Hour 56:  Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

Hour 59:  Rations are low.  And it’s still snowing…

These bizarre endorsement offers tend to be targeting known quasi-celebrities that have no discernable talents but have strongly-followed Twitter accounts and need the money.  PRNewser has reported that celebutante Kim Kardashian receives up to $10,000 per tweet about specific products.

In a post from Jan. 12, Kardashian says, “Have u guys ever tried Popchips? They are kind of amazing!”

Ad.ly is the company responsible for much of the tweets-as-ads trend. Ad.ly brokers a deal between advertisers and Twitter users with large followings (including Kardashian’s sister Khloe, Lauren Conrad and Dr. Drew), allowing these celebrities to post one profitable tweet per day. This one-a-day limit is an effort to reduce backlash from followers.

Listed second (in number of followers) on Ad.ly’s list of publishers, rapper Soulja Boy’s posts are a bit more transparent when it comes to tweets vs. ads: “Who sippin dat sauce” and “I know all my followers is hittin the club tonight. Where the party at” were posted just days after: “Time Warner Cable subscribers can win a free trip for 2 to the 2010 Sundance Film Festival sponsored http://j.mp/3IfpkL.”

Other quasi-celebrities suspected of using Twitter to make some quick cash with subtle advertising include Nick Lachey, Jay Leno, Rod Blagojevich and Jude Law.  Below are two examples of standard tweets by each user, followed by an example of a tweet that may indicate product placement:

Nick Lachey:

“Jus got a new hat suppa fly yo.” about 3 hours ago

“Chilaxin at da cribb wit my boyzzzz” about 2 hours ago

“Join me tonight at Lodge Bar from 5:45 to 6:25 p.m. for $1 Miller Lite and half price wells.” about 17 minutes ago

Jay Leno:

“On the way from L.A. to Vegas for the weekend.” about 6 hours ago

“Going to grab a quick nap.  Because I can.” about 35 minutes ago

“NBC is the best network on television with sound management and excellent programming.  What a great company to work for!” about 31 minutes ago

Rod Blagojevich:

“I didn’t take any money for Obama’s Senate seat.  I’m broke you dumbshits!” about 7 minutes ago

“The truth will come out.  For now I have to fix my daughters dinner using discarded scraps from the dumpster behind a Thai joint.” about 4 minutes ago

“I saved money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.  That’s right, GEICO: so easy an indicted ex-governor could do it.” about 2 minutes ago

Jude Law:

“Sometimes these paparazzi make me want to take a page out of Sean Penn’s book.  If only I were less charming…”  about 8 hours ago

“Sitting down for a spot of tea.” about 5 hours ago

“Diddling the nanny using Ocho Cinco condoms.  They, eh… oh dear… catch everything my johnson shoots.” about 3 hours ago

1. Kentucky
2. Kansas
3. Villanova
4. Syracuse
5. Michigan State
6. Texas
7. Gonzaga
8. West Virginia
9. Purdue
10. Kansas State
11. Temple
12. The University of Wisconsin-La Crosse intramural team that Brett Favre is allegedly about to sign with
13. Ole Miss
14. Wisconsin
15. Ohio State
16. Vanderbilt
17. Pittsburgh
18. UConn
19. Staff rec league team from Animal Planet’s “The Andy Richter Show, with his sidekick Coco”
20. Wake Forest
21. The Norwegian bobsled team
22. Baylor
23. Northern Iowa
24. New Jersey GTLs
25. New Jersey Nets

The Scientist:  So you spoke to Tiger last week about his sex addiction?

David Duchovny:  Yeah, we shot the shit a bit.  Talked about life, love, ladies… how hard it is to be famous and have p**** thrown at you all the time and only really know two things for sure: you shouldn’t do it and you’re going to.

TS:  That sounds like a deep conversation.  Did you give him advice?

DD:  Does a bear shit in the forest, brohan?  Of course I told him what to do.  I’m David m***********’ Duchovny, the most famous sex addict in the modern American celebrity era.

TS:  Don’t you mean “recovering sex addict”?

DD:  Huh?  Uh, yeah, sure, what’d I say?

TS:  Nevermind.  So what advice did you give Mr. Woods?

DD:  Told him to check that rich ass into rehab pronto.

TS:  And why is that the proper play?

DD:  Best PR move I ever made, checking into a sex clinic.  It’s perfect for when your wandering d*** is all over the tabloids.  I mean, they know you’re f****** around, they all know.  But when you go to rehab it makes you look contrite.  They start to feel sorry for you a little bit.  Maybe you just have some disease they don’t understand.  Maybe it’s a serious illness that could one day strike them or someone they know.  When you act like you’re sorry for something people will start to believe anything you say, even if you’re saying it with your pants around your ankles and a couple of comely Ventura Boulevard streetwalkers on the clock.  By the time you finish your rehab and they say you’re all better, all is forgiven.  The public has forgotten about it and moved on.  They may actually miss you and want to see you again.  Everyone loves a comeback story.  Hell, your wife might even take you back.

TS:  Hmmm… Sound logic indeed.

DD:  F*****-A right.  And the best part about sex addiction rehab is the sex.  Think about it, man.  They throw you in this sealed facility with hundreds of chicks that are addicted to sex.   Most of them are hot because it’s expensive as shit to get in there in the first place.  I’m talking stressed-out professionals, classy strippers, high-end hookers, porn stars, well-to-do star-f****** celebrity wanna-bes.  You know, Tiger’s type.  Talk about a target rich environment.  I mean, they were all throwing themselves at me in there and I’m a f****** trainwreck.  He’s Tiger Woods.  They’ll be putting the full court press on him 24/7.  He knows what to do.  It’s like locking the proverbial rooster in the proverbial hen house.  (Laughter.)  You know?  You know what I’m saying.  (Laughter, obscene gestures, more laughter.)

The only conclusion I’ve reached thus far is that a great deal of further research is necessary in order to even begin to understand the infinite complexities of this bizarre condition.  Or I’ll just mutter that both of these gentlemen are rich, horny pricks as I anxiously await Tiger’s return to the PGA Tour and the 4^th season of “Californication.”

What next?

Winter has grown strong and confident in past months after defeating Summer and recently annexing Autumn.  Throughout the last several weeks it has carried this momentum through victories in Canada and south across the northern American border.

The entire United States is now under heavy fire from Winter’s arsenal of record-low temperatures, howling wind, traffic delays and inches upon inches of snow, or “White Death.”  The White Death is overwhelming streets and highways and invading houses and offices throughout the country.  Millions of Americans have been taken prisoner by the White Death in the past twenty-four hours alone.

We in the media suggest that all American citizens freak out immediately.  If you have not already succumbed to the White Death, drive to the store right now and stock up on any non-perishable provisions that may still be available.  Then return home, entrap yourself in the most defensive and heavily insulated position available, make peace with any loved ones you may still be able to contact before all means of communication are debilitated by Winter, and wait to die.  Your end is doubtlessly soon.  You may hope only that Winter makes it quick.

There has been no immediate statement from the White House regarding the U.S.’s response to this attack on its home soil.  Sources say that potential defense against the invasion could include the utilization of resources left by the former administration, including hidden weaponry and Global Warming.